It's a gray day. Yesterday the chinook was blowing, and the sun was shining. Today it's cold and gray again. The snow is fading into mud. So I sit, listening to sad folk songs. And writing a bit. Because it is sometimes good to be quiet and introspective. And it is good to not ignore the twinges of creative quietness when they come, but to welcome them in and get to know them a bit. Then, on Monday (which we are definitely NOT dwelling on now) when the crazy, invigorating, tiring schedule returns, we will be ready and we can smile with calm quietness and take the day in hand.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, but that's ok. Making sense is for later, and i'm a horrible perfectionist. You know what that means, right? It means that if something gets done, it has to be perfect, or not done at all. Perfectionists only take on safe things, the things they know they can do perfectly, which means especially that they don't want to stick their necks out and look stupid by trying to learn new things in front of everybody else. Yeah, that's me. Somehow by posting this for the world to see seems to be a victory, although over what, i'm not sure; it's just fun to have victories. Today i'm sending my perfectionist conscience on vacation and trying to just enjoy the moment.
I think it's working:)
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ReplyDelete''Perfectionists only take on safe things, the things they know they can do perfectly, which means especially that they don't want to stick their necks out and look stupid by trying to learn new things in front of everybody else. Yeah, that's me. Somehow by posting this for the world to see seems to be a victory, although over what, i'm not sure; it's just fun to have victories.''
ReplyDeleteI can relate, the only difference being that i never was great enough at any one thing to not mess up at least 25 percent of the time(as a matter of fact i had quit the little escapade just trying to post this comment)But you know what I've learned, when i am weak, then, HE is strong. That simple truth is enough. And YES, victory is sweet. Seems like posting this is a bit of a victory over the need to seem perfect. It's extraordinarily freeing to let go of :)
Thank you for sharing.
Oh Matthew, you describe "horrible perfectionism" so well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHaha, why bother doing something you know you'll do poorly? I mean, that's a recipe for...for... failure!
Hm, failure. Is that seven-letter word one of the deep fears driving the obsessive nature of the horrible perfectionist? Wherever does that insecurity come from? How did we ever survive the clumsiness of infancy and still retain the idea that we should be able to accomplish perfection in all that we do?
At any rate, I think you're doing a fine job managing that horrible perfectionist nature of yours. After all, you are in Europe. You've left your family and home area, learned a new language (and not an easy one), and took on the awesome responsibility of both teaching and witnessing to the people under your charge. And now you've decided to stay another year.
Way to take risks and face the chance of imperfection! Blessings.
Good words, Lillian. And thanks for the encouragement!
ReplyDeleteI think I'm starting to realize that a vibrant life in Christ involves being constantly drawn out of your comfort zone. That's what an intimate relationship does, right? And like Amber says, 'when I am weak, He is strong'.
A hearty cheer to all on the Adventure!